batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
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why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
🔥🔥
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.