batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
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Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.