[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
You Might Also Like
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.