Battery falling down a hole
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My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
An AI comedian? The jokes write themselves.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
It’s on my to-do list.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁