@feelwelcome

Battery falling down a hole

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@Cpin42

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

@MavenofHonor

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

@kamtweeting

Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.

@GoddessTitty

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

@RonAnthonyQuinn

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

@InternetHippo

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away