Battery falling down a hole
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[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
*launders Kohls cash*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
“Did you read the fine print?”
Me: I didn’t even read the large print
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.