Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”

Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.

Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?

Me: * climbs tree

discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.

3yo: I have counted my shoes. One, two.
Me: That’s right. For your two feet.
3yo: 😠 I want to have three feet.
Me: Buddy. Nobody has three feet.
3yo: YES THEY DO
Me: Where have you ever seen someone with three feet?
3yo, who has never been out of the country: IN 😤 ENGLAND 😤

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

I’m a self-made hundredaire

#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.

ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.