[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
“you have to sleep when the baby sleeps” but that’s when i go through the baby’s phone ???
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
they should invent a hydrating liquor
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time