Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.

It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.

I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary

grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*

*trying to start a tickle fight

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.