[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*
iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…