Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: hey have you ever seen house

her: house?

him: yeah like doctor house

me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital

Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs

I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.

I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class

“I set all the cattle free.”

– Reverse Cowgirl

crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails

if someone has a question, I do not want to know

Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.

Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.

Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1184937093220438017/pu/vid/640x360/3HzIBEGqofdp2jSC.mp4?tag=10

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $2,000.

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”