Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do

ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really

I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?

Me: Of course!

Friend: You sometimes-

Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

Label: Non-habit forming

Me: Challenge accepted

Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce

Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see

It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”

car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha

me: ok phew haha

*muffled screaming*

car salesman: 100%