Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.

Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad

I remember when the only divisive issue in America was whether you were team werewolf guy or team vampire guy. The rhetoric got pretty heated.

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]

Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?

Me: yeah

the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it

HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.

Did not finish.

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single

Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.