Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

become ungovernable

11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.

Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.

11: Never mind.

They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.

ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?

Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.

8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week

I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished

Him: Hey

Me: *flashes box of super tampons*

So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses

Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.

What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

Daddy can u get me a drink?

“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”

Fine *goes to fridge

“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye

All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.