Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.

We’re not going to try to do anything about it.

And that’s how small problems become large problems.

Me: How much for the goth cucumber?

Clerk: That’s a cactus…

Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.

Me: Did it work?

cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.

Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air

Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!

The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.

The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.

What should we call our new store?

“Will we sell pottery?”

No.

“Is it in a barn?”

No.

“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”

Hell, I love it Carl.

Bully: gimme ur sandwich

Me [pulls knife]

Bully: hey man I don’t want any-

Me: -crusts. i know

I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .

Well… I can’t see that taking off…

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.

Tell the colonel to bring it