BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
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God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Mood.. 😂
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.