Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
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Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
One venti cheeseburger please.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.