Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is

In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.

~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.

Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

🤣

My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.

Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back

“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Question of the day :

If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

Just a bush.

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

found my next D&D character name

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.