BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
The evening news…
Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before