BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
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If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Not today
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
I only treason on days ending in y
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault