Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

[kung fu fight]

“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”

*starts lifting heavy building materials*

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it

You’re like a first job.

No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.

Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.

How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?

I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly

Me: I need the other guy

Him: I’m the head surgeon

Me: [with a broken foot] exactly

She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”

And that’s how the fight started

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.