Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1800s]

Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise

Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.

Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut

Happy Friday the 13th! Slay the holidays 🛷🎄

What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?

the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be

[2000]

Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!

me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning

my niece: maybe a cat

Best seat on the street 😍

Therapist: So why are you guys here?

Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.

Him: This is our first date?

I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot

Inside Out 2:

The girl enters puberty.

Her emotions get out of control.

She goes Goth.

Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

Karate and loose meat sandwiches.

Welcome to Sloppy Dojo’s. I’ll be your sensei for this evening.

All salads come with our own roundhouse dressing

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.