> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.