Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires

if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]

Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.

I SAID: How’s vacation going?

MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”

Me: Um, brooding real hard.

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

Doctor: I have your test results

Me: did I pass hahaha

Doctor: hahaha you will soon

Me: haha what

I’m famous people used to have talent years old.

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?

Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.

Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.

S:
D:

S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.

S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?

S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?

S: MOM! Come get your husband.

“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.

For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.

Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow

13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.

Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.

Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.