Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Hear me out: his and hers houses.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies

One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.

I think he’s my soulmate.

YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”

A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.

“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow

If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?