Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”

AI results, “Remove leg”

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN

1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE

2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT

3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.

A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.

Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

my dads out of town and i just went over to his house to deep clean it while he’s gone and there was a lizard running around his kitchen and when i told him he was like “hell yeah that’s Kevin”

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Boating season is upon us.

*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*

me: did you know there’s a complex named after you

oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?

me:

oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back

– my cat

#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.

“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.