> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend![]()
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My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly