Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?