“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
The glory of fall.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.