“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
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asking my bank if i can do extra credit
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
the rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while i’m there.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas