“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
people often debate spf levels, but i鈥檝e always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That鈥檚 when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That鈥檚 impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 馃拃馃拃馃拃
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor鈥檚 bill.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now鈥et鈥檚 not get crazy.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
what?
