Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here

i set my alarms extra early to make sure i have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Glasses

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.

[Job interview]

“How would you describe yourself?”

“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”

“Anything else?”

“Over-literal sometimes.”

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this

“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.