Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
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“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
They must have gotten it to go.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.