Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
*orders delivery*
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Every single bad day happened because I woke up