Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
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*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
それは草
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.