Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

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[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”


You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run


Try and tell me about your cleanse and I will whip out my pocket bacon and eat it right in front of you.


Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.


If you’re pissed off about a non-white Santa Claus then I’ve got some very bad news for you about Jesus.


[invention of burgers]

visionary: what if we grated a cow?

assistant: and molded it into wheels? sir that’s genius


Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?

Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.


Being inside a car with kids is like being inside a blender with sticky hyenas.


If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.


COP: drop the gun


COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no