Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
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I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
[montage of me giving-up]
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“I’m not ordering fries, I’ll just eat some of yours” -Former friends of mine
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.