Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.

It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds

Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.

Me: Can you bring me a burrito

Him: you want me to come over?

Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.

being a writer on Twitter:

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.

genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.

Me, abandoning the call I’m making after two unanswered rings: “well, I tried my absolute best to reach them, not sure what more I could’ve done”

Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..

but if you do, get the dental work first.

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming