Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
You Might Also Like
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.
the worm is coming from inside the brain
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Going forward the 10 minutes before taking a nap should be referred to as prelax
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Taylor Swift on shuffle is like “You turned me into an inside-out monster I’ll kill you if you don’t kill me first” and then four minutes later “just kidding I am a cowgirl who is eleven.”
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
