What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
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Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.