Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@RandomAntics

Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.

@SteveKoehler22

Relationship status:

Negotiating with the dog
to lease space in his flat.

@mommy_cusses

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

@Marlebean

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

@Lhlodder

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

@dramadelinquent

My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.

@Cheeseboy22

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

@carrietini

According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@e4moji

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon