Be advised Ladies:
Once I show you my Knight Rider lunchbox from 1985, foreplay has officially begun.

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Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.


Relationship status:

Negotiating with the dog
to lease space in his flat.


Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.


Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow



My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.


My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.

We will be telling them tonight.


A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”


According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.


Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic


My grandfather: The Grampacalypse


My grandfather: Grandmageddon