Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Best spoiler warning ever
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
I’m not ready to adopt a highway I can barely raise my own driveway.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.