Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.

i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)

Boss: HR wants to see you

Me: What for?

Boss: Mandatory drug test

Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had

*Husband playing computer game*

Me: I’m going to go pee.

Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.

Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Husband: OK. Enjoy.

Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?

Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.

9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!

“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf

My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah

ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore

I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song

ㅤㅤ

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.

excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me