Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
You Might Also Like
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
🤣dope
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Me trying to “trust the process”
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.