Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
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And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
My flabber has been gasted.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.