Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Wife: don’t forget the list
Me: I won’t
[later]
Me: [calling from the grocery store]
My wife: [answering the phone, holding the list] well, well, well…
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Just as the prophecy foretold
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.