Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
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Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.