Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.
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I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.