be careful
You Might Also Like
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
by any beans necessary
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.