be careful
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Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Found the job I’m suited for
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?