Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

You didn’t, the brakes did.

Cop: But do you know why?

Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?

Cop: Get out.

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book

Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email

me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉

her: are those empty

If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.

ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.

GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.

ME: It’s just SO big.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!

Him: Just ignore him.

Me: I’m trying!

Him: I was talking to the dog…

Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”

Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.

me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.

Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds