Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).

My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.

friend: how long have you had that bourbon?

me: 20 years.

friend: why don’t you just drink it?

me: drinking age is 21 dude.

I am having an out of money experience.

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

You didn’t make the team.

*me as your life coach

I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol

me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all

As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow

I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism

*job interview*

“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”

I quit

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]

A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe

Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle