Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Morning.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?