Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil