Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?

Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower

LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET

Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

*first date*

Him: You have a very defined jawline.

Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

mobster: are you wearing a wire?

me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.

[two astronauts in space station]

“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows

CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!