Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I’m forced to visit people I don’t like I find a way to sneak their peanut butter into their fridge

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore

Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you

[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine

Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.

Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…

There’s safety in numb-bears.

If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!

Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.

*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*

My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious