Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
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[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
😭😭
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.