Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af