Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
If you know, you know
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Pikachu found the lost joint
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
This is a genius move
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro