Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS