Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs