Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
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Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
could’ve been anyone
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I