Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

can you read it!!??

maan!

Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’

*gives you a knife

*points to the toaster

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.

Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.

Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?

I’m sorry…

…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.

My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.

This is bullshit.

Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar

*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?

me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world

my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”