be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
My current situation
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull