Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!

When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.

Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.

Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.

People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.

Anyone really

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

When squirrels chase each other around a tree it reminds me of being at the mall in seventh grade.

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

Hunter Biden implies the existence of Gatherer Biden

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”

Me: “I’m in.”

Son: daddy why is the sky blue?

Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?