be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
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I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.