Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

Every work meeting this week

the avengers: “the city is saved”

the city:

Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear

Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes

court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes throughout my house.

You: Sitting down to eat

Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?

My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO

Romantic Emotional Stability Level:

I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”

– literally no one ever

*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*