The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
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{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.