“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
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“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
my first day as a raccoon
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied