“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
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I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
The sacred texts.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
When I snag the last meatball.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.