Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
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Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
can I use a minion as a tampon
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??