Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.

Dr.: Very well. Just relax..

*puts bow on Pacman’s head

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.

I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.

My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”

Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”

Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.

I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

stages of moving house

1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop

one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol

Person: I like you

Me: *eyes narrow* Why

*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

Every. Damn. Time.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”