Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
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Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
that colleague who touches your screen
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.