Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?

If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.

Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.

Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.

I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left

Ethan isn’t playing around this semester

My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.

a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?