Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work

cashier: you give me $7.48

me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?

cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day

me (smirking): everybody wins

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!

Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

is this meant to deter me

Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

My father must be spinning in his grave, and not just because of that spinning device I had built into his coffin

*watching The Revenant*

*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.

6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down

My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.

Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.

I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”