be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
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iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters