“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
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*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
haha same
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*