Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
You Might Also Like
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys